Milkbone Underwear: Exploring Cheers and The Evolution of Ted Danson's Hair

Coach: What'll it be, Norm? Norm: Fame, fortune, fast women... Coach: How 'bout a beer? Norm: Even better. David Angell's second Cheers script doesn't hit the highs of his first, but Pick a Con...Any Con is an all-time classic, so it's tough to top. Angell's setup here is much more typical of contrived '80s sitcom conventions. Someone Single, Someone Blue has Diane's mother, Helen (Glynis Johns) drop the bombshell that Diane must marry within 24 hours. If she doesn't, as stipulated in Diane's dad's will, Helen will lose her share of his estate. Why would he make such a ridiculous demand? Well, it seems he feared his gawky bookworm daughter with the facial tic might never marry, so he made it a condition of his will that Diane would be married within ten years to the day of his passing. And why would Helen not have given Diane more than 24 hours notice? Helen explains, "You know how time flies when you're having...grief"....

Diane: What are the stakes? Sam: If I win, I get to go to bed with you. Diane: What if I win? Sam: You get to go to bed with me. Diane: Forget it. Sam: I understand. You, ah, you'd rather earn it. I can't sum up this episode better than gonzo_83 does in their imdb user review: "It's like The Sting but way cooler. I don't think I've ever seen a better constructed plot in a TV show than this episode." Word! The late great David Angell delivers an all-time classic with his first Cheers script. I might change my mind as I revisit more episodes, but Pick a Con...Any Con is currently my favourite Cheers episode of all time, working just as well for me at a jaded forty-three as it did when I was six. And the way the Matryoshka doll-style con within a con also cons the viewer? Genius! This is the kind of quality script that makes other writers seriously reconsider their vocation. Harry Anderson's two prior appearances as mercurial flimflam man, Har...

Coach: What can I get for you, Norm? Norm: Well, I am gonna need something to kill time before my second beer...how about a first one? For an establishment with a posted maximum room capacity of 75, Cheers sure hosted a lot of large social functions! But we later learn (not counting the stairs up to Melville's) they don't even have an emergency exit, so fire codes must have pretty been lax in the '80s. No Contest has Cheers playing host to the 45th Annual Miss Boston Barmaid contest, and Sam--who really should know better by now--registers Diane to represent Cheers. Naturally, the very thought offends Diane on every level, but she decides to use the platform to publicly denounce beauty pageants and all they stand for. I feel bad for poor Carla being passed over as the face of Cheers for the new girl, and her feelings are slightly wounded, too. Sam reasons that Carla can't enter on account of her pregnancy, and Carla wisely argues that this only proves ...

Coach: Beer, Norm? Norm: That's the sudsy amber stuff, right? Most Cheers guest spots are done in one episode, but Derek McGrath made such an impression here as lovable murderer "Andy-Andy" Schroeder that they brought him back twice more in the Diane years and one last time during the nostalgia-heavy final season. McGrath looks like the kind of guileless open-faced guy you'd set your sister up with on a blind date, so Stephen Kolzak nailed it when he cast Diane's date. The less-than-perfect date that opens the episode doesn't go so well; Walter (Doug Sheehan) looks right about Diane's preppy speed, but his compulsion to count the number of letters in each sentence would drive anyone nuts. It's a gift and a curse, as Walter's basically incapable of carrying on a normal non-numerical conversation. This screwball setup lends itself beautifully to come classic Cheers banter from sitcom legend David Lloyd with his second Cheers script: Sam: B...

Diane: He really hasn't changed; he's still the same guy you used to tinkle off balconies with. (No Norm entrance this week) Pop culture often lags behind the world it reflects while outpacing reality in its aspirational intent and, while The Boys in the Bar had the noblest of intentions in 1983, it's a little cringe-worthy today. We've grown to love the Cheers gang over the first season, but they hit the height of collective douchery here, threatening to desert their favourite watering hole just because Sam refuses to kick out some gay customers who weren't actually gay, just stylish and well-groomed...well one of 'em--gay rights trailblazer, Michael Kearns--does kinda look like he's headed to an upscale leather bar. The gang's paranoia about Cheers turning into a gay bar's laughable, but I recall my own dear dad's concern when I started hitting gay bars that "they'll try to turn you gay" as though that were possible. That...

Cliff: Hey, listen..if you need a trois for that menage, I'll be in the bar! (no Norm entrance this week) Carla's third trimester-level large with child, but somehow no one at Cheers feels comfy addressing the elephant in the room, until Sam finally encourages her to share the happy-ish news. Shelley Long's (mostly) hidden pregnancy didn't fit Diane's story, but Carla was poppin' 'em out like Pez, so Perlman's three kids all made their prenatal TV debuts on Cheers. Carla pins paternity on Marshall, the lovable nerd who gave Coach and Sam the hot Celtics tip in the previous episode (also written by Rhea's talented sister, Heide Perlman). Marshall's ready to dive into fatherhood, and certainly financially stable enough to take on the whole Tortelli tribe, but Diane smells a rat when he mentions he and Carla only ever 'dated' the one time, and Carla's actually pretty pleased with herself when Diane confronts her. Maybe it's ...

Coach: What's New, Norm? Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig. This episode's apparently Shelley Long's favourite. I wouldn't call it my favourite Cheers, but it IS my favourite Shelley Long episode. Uber-geek, Marshall Lipton, shares a scientifically guaranteed tip that Cheers' beloved Celtics are a sure bet to lose, so Coach and Sam do the unthinkable and bet against their favourite team. While everyone's glued to the game, Diane receives the devastating news that her beloved cat, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, has died. I dunno if the Cheers gang were all raised on farms where cats just come and go, but no one seems to grasp the gravity of Diane's loss. If this was writer Heide (Rhea's sister) Perlman's way of making us love Diane, it works.                                                         "T...