Season One Ep 18 No Contest

Coach: What can I get for you, Norm?

Norm: Well, I am gonna need something to kill time before my second beer...how about a first one?


For an establishment with a posted maximum room capacity of 75, Cheers sure hosted a lot of large social functions! But we later learn (not counting the stairs up to Melville's) they don't even have an emergency exit, so fire codes must have pretty been lax in the '80s. No Contest has Cheers playing host to the 45th Annual Miss Boston Barmaid contest, and Sam--who really should know better by now--registers Diane to represent Cheers. Naturally, the very thought offends Diane on every level, but she decides to use the platform to publicly denounce beauty pageants and all they stand for.

I feel bad for poor Carla being passed over as the face of Cheers for the new girl, and her feelings are slightly wounded, too. Sam reasons that Carla can't enter on account of her pregnancy, and Carla wisely argues that this only proves she's obviously quite congenial! But Diane refuses to be objectified: "You entered me much as one would enter a heifer in a county fair!" and Coach offers his usual daffy brand of consolation, "The judges--they just come in, they secretly watch you work, and then they pick the finalists...in a county fair, you take the cow to the judges!"

Writer Heide Perlman's great at letting the A story breathe, rarely shoehorning a big B story in. The closest we get to a second plot thread is when Paul (original Paul, actor Paul Vaughn) makes the fatal mistake of insulting the US Postal Service, sending Cliff (already on edge during SEARS catalogue season) into a tizzy. The two guys make up and all seems well...but Paul disappears early in the second season, never to be seen again, so the lesson to be learned here is don't trifle with Cliff Clavin! 

Diane immediately distinguishes herself from the competition with her introduction: "My name is Diane Chambers, and I would like one day to be known as the voice of my generation. You see, I am a humanist...", but her plan goes sideways when Sam finds her speech. To trip her up, Sam reminds Diane about her facial tic and, right on cue, Shelley Long starts contorting that cute face into all kinds of comical expressions. The tic doesn't go unnoticed, but Diane turns her obstacle into a rousing speech that somehow morphs into Scarlett O'Hara's, "As God is my witness, I will never never be hungry again!" Shelley Long belongs on the comedy Mount Rushmore, and this episode gives her ample opportunity to really show her stuff!

Diane wins the contest, and starts to speak her truth until the prizes start piling up. Once they announce the top prize--two tickets for a week long vacation in Bermuda--Diane's ideals go right out the window as she screams with delight. Not that she doesn't feel bad about it, admitting "I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda." Sam tries his best to cheer her up in hopes of being taken along for the trip, and Diane admits she might be a little uptight at times, and that the chill Cheers atmosphere is starting to rub off a little. Heide Perlman scripts some of the best Sam & Diane moments; the flirt factor's high here. And we never do find out who used that second plane ticket! 

Guest Star


47th Speaker of The House, Tip O'Neill plays himself in the cold open. Tip ducks in to seek shelter from a philosophizing Diane, only to find he's entered her place of work. There's no escape! O'Neill loved the spotlight, appearing in TV ads, an episode of Silver Spoons, and the movie, Dave, always playing himself. His Cheers appearance gave the then-struggling comedy (ranking 60th) a serious credibility boost, with the next week's episode (all-time classic, Pick a Con...Any Con) jumping 20 spots in The Nielsen ratings.

Danson Hair Update

This episode gives the rare glimpse of handsome Danson's thinning pate...right around 4:50 into the episode, Sam's in profile, and you can see the light shine through the comb-back cover. Danson's a God among men, but Achilles had his heel, Superman had Kryptonite, and it's heartening to know even Ted isn't perfect. But he's awfully close.

For this week's random music selections, some tangentially-related tunes about beauty pageants and the culture around them:









Cheers!



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