Milkbone Underwear: Exploring Cheers and The Evolution of Ted Danson's Hair

Coach: What can I get for you, Norm? Norm: Well, I am gonna need something to kill time before my second beer...how about a first one? For an establishment with a posted maximum room capacity of 75, Cheers sure hosted a lot of large social functions! But we later learn (not counting the stairs up to Melville's) they don't even have an emergency exit, so fire codes must have pretty been lax in the '80s. No Contest has Cheers playing host to the 45th Annual Miss Boston Barmaid contest, and Sam--who really should know better by now--registers Diane to represent Cheers. Naturally, the very thought offends Diane on every level, but she decides to use the platform to publicly denounce beauty pageants and all they stand for. I feel bad for poor Carla being passed over as the face of Cheers for the new girl, and her feelings are slightly wounded, too. Sam reasons that Carla can't enter on account of her pregnancy, and Carla wisely argues that this only proves ...

Coach: Beer, Norm? Norm: That's the sudsy amber stuff, right? Most Cheers guest spots are done in one episode, but Derek McGrath made such an impression here as lovable murderer "Andy-Andy" Schroeder that they brought him back twice more in the Diane years and one last time during the nostalgia-heavy final season. McGrath looks like the kind of guileless open-faced guy you'd set your sister up with on a blind date, so Stephen Kolzak nailed it when he cast Diane's date. The less-than-perfect date that opens the episode doesn't go so well; Walter (Doug Sheehan) looks right about Diane's preppy speed, but his compulsion to count the number of letters in each sentence would drive anyone nuts. It's a gift and a curse, as Walter's basically incapable of carrying on a normal non-numerical conversation. This screwball setup lends itself beautifully to come classic Cheers banter from sitcom legend David Lloyd with his second Cheers script: Sam: B...

Diane: He really hasn't changed; he's still the same guy you used to tinkle off balconies with. (No Norm entrance this week) Pop culture often lags behind the world it reflects while outpacing reality in its aspirational intent and, while The Boys in the Bar had the noblest of intentions in 1983, it's a little cringe-worthy today. We've grown to love the Cheers gang over the first season, but they hit the height of collective douchery here, threatening to desert their favourite watering hole just because Sam refuses to kick out some gay customers who weren't actually gay, just stylish and well-groomed...well one of 'em--gay rights trailblazer, Michael Kearns--does kinda look like he's headed to an upscale leather bar. The gang's paranoia about Cheers turning into a gay bar's laughable, but I recall my own dear dad's concern when I started hitting gay bars that "they'll try to turn you gay" as though that were possible. That...

Cliff: Hey, listen..if you need a trois for that menage, I'll be in the bar! (no Norm entrance this week) Carla's third trimester-level large with child, but somehow no one at Cheers feels comfy addressing the elephant in the room, until Sam finally encourages her to share the happy-ish news. Shelley Long's (mostly) hidden pregnancy didn't fit Diane's story, but Carla was poppin' 'em out like Pez, so Perlman's three kids all made their prenatal TV debuts on Cheers. Carla pins paternity on Marshall, the lovable nerd who gave Coach and Sam the hot Celtics tip in the previous episode (also written by Rhea's talented sister, Heide Perlman). Marshall's ready to dive into fatherhood, and certainly financially stable enough to take on the whole Tortelli tribe, but Diane smells a rat when he mentions he and Carla only ever 'dated' the one time, and Carla's actually pretty pleased with herself when Diane confronts her. Maybe it's ...

Coach: What's New, Norm? Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig. This episode's apparently Shelley Long's favourite. I wouldn't call it my favourite Cheers, but it IS my favourite Shelley Long episode. Uber-geek, Marshall Lipton, shares a scientifically guaranteed tip that Cheers' beloved Celtics are a sure bet to lose, so Coach and Sam do the unthinkable and bet against their favourite team. While everyone's glued to the game, Diane receives the devastating news that her beloved cat, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, has died. I dunno if the Cheers gang were all raised on farms where cats just come and go, but no one seems to grasp the gravity of Diane's loss. If this was writer Heide (Rhea's sister) Perlman's way of making us love Diane, it works.                                                         "T...

Coach: Beer, Norm? Norm: Nah, I'd probably just drink it.  Sam transitions from relief pitcher to pitchman when an agent with an eye for talented studs casts him in a beer commercial. Lana (Barbara Babcock) specializes in representing athletes, and Sam's ample assets catch her eye. All Sam needs to seal the deal is zoom right past the casting couch to Lana's hotel room. Sam's cool with the deal because he gets a second shot at celebrity, and Lana's a lovely lady, so everybody wins. This is the first of several episodes (2nd if you count Julia Duffy in ep 6) that turns the tables on Sam and gives him a dose of his own shallow medicine. The guy treats women like meat, but he kinda feels cheap when he's the one getting used. Sam's never been "against a wild night of friend-making", but now he feels that he's supposed to be "friendly on demand" for Lana. And he's pretty sure she'll drop him as a client if he dumps h...

Sam: What's new, Norm? Norm: Most of my wife.  The right actor can elevate a good script to greatness and Ellis Rabb as master spy/poet/tycoon, Eric Finch, ups everyone's game on this rare episode that plays out in real time. This guy's sooo theatrical, he reminds me of that SNL Master Thespian sketch with Lovitz and Lithgow "ACTING!" So it makes sense that no tiny TV set could contain such a colourful character as Rabb who had a succesful career onstage, but only a handful of onscreen appearances. Even the highfalutin names of the characters he played on TV say something about the guy: Ramsey Headley, Joseph Haldorn, Tony Cavendish...his role as Window Washer in The Waltons is an outlier, but you get the idea.                                                                          ...